Monday, 15 December 2014

News Headlines You Won't Read | Short Stories

Skateboarding on the Appian Way
by Dominic Macchiaroli

The State Department announced a few days ago that it had “run out of patience” in it’s dealings with Iran over that country’s unwillingness to hold meaningful negotiations over its budding nuclear program. However, the next day a spare bag of patience was stumbled over in a White House men’s room by the Vice President who was searching for his last remaining bit of intelligence among the lavatory stalls.
In a tradition that dates back to the days of Lincoln, the White House announced that this year’s Thanksgiving turkey has been given an official pardon by the President, and its life will be spared. In spite of the news, the Attorney General has decided to conduct a federal trial of the hapless bird in New York City anyway, with the turkey being given full constitutional rights despite the fact that it is not a US citizen.
News report from the future: The government of the island kingdom of Tonga announced today that it will no longer allow its national currency to be tied to the ever-falling American dollar, but will accept the greenback into the country for general use by its population as toilet paper or table napkins.
According to sources at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the swine flu epidemic in America peaked in mid-October, with declining numbers of cases being reported since. Meanwhile, the government announced that ample supplies of the flu vaccine should be available sometime in August of 2041, or after everyone is dead from flu.
In a fitting end to his successful trip to Asia, the State Department announced today that during a brief stop over in Antarctica, the President accidently bowed to an Emperor Penguin, thinking it was a head of state.
The state of Arizona, facing a budget shortfall of two billion dollars, and having been unable to secure credit through mainstream banking channels, has announced that it has secured a loan from “Shady Hank’s Check Cashing and 24 Hour Laundrette” at a monthly compounding interest rate of 387 %. The plan unraveled however, when the state could not show proper ID and tried to collateralize the Grand Canyon.
In a move that confused his hosts, the President attempted to formally surrender to the Japanese for World War II today while in Tokyo for a state visit. Informed that that conflict ended some 64 years ago, the President angrily demanded that Congress send him a bill making American surrender in all wars fought by this country for the last hundred years retroactive. Congress said they’d get right on it, after they finish spending all our grandchildren’s money.
This is a true story. It was announced yesterday that Switzerland is beginning to crack down on ‘suicide tourism’. The official government policy is: if you’re going to blow yourself up while on vacation, we don’t want you here. The official Swiss tourism slogan: ‘Come to Switzerland, and have a blast’. I guess they found out about the trend because of all the one-way tickets being purchased at the airports.
China and India are threatening each other because both want to date Tibet. Mongolia personally doesn’t think she’s that cute.
Our government is “gravely concerned” today about North Korea’s underground nuclear test. Tomorrow it will be “getting really a lot madder” if they set off another. Next week, the State Department has threatened to say it is “really bummed” or “horribly upset”, if the North Koreans don’t stop the tests.
At the Los Alamos National Laboratory in New Mexico, seven hydrogen atoms split today in an event scientist excitedly called “boring.” No other information was …

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